Silence
by Alahnore
Summary: When everything is said and done, he only has silence. / Spoilers. Fluri.
1. I - atrum

There was a relief to be had each time he steps off Zaphian soil. And such, there is a deep sadness each time he does as well. A piece of him remains within the spiraling walls of the imperial capital; a piece Yuri knows he can't reclaim. It's why he always returns, even if it's only for a short time. Here he can be complete, just for a short while.

The relief is short. Yuri always feels a dull ache under the soil of his heart when he leaves before he is even half a continent away. There is a longing for home when he is away from it. Yuri never denies it, but he never admits it either. No one asks, and he never tells.

The most annoying part of this truth is the fact it is not the Lower Quarter that holds this piece of him. If it were that simple, Yuri would be more willing to speak. But it's complicated, to the point Yuri almost hates it. He knows some things must be complicated, but this… this should be simple. It isn't. Yuri doesn't hate it so to speak, but he is annoyed by it.

A piece of him stays behind, locked behind spiraling walls, tucked safely away beyond castle ramparts and rots in the oblivious hands it felt into. Yuri wants it back. But he trusts no one else with it. It is the part of him he wishes to remain unstained, clean, and it should only be left with someone unstained and clean.

He still misses it.

The worst part? He honestly misses the one holding it, more than he does his own missing piece.

Oh it's not a secret. Not really. Yuri is open enough about it. The person who knows him the best, who gets under his skin easily, who sees past the fronts before they're even formed. The one he says he was together since practically forever and does so nonchalantly like it's no big deal, because to him it isn't. It is the norm to him.

What is a secret are the looks Yuri gives him behind the backs of everyone. The ways he knows they hold each other higher above the rest. The secret is the stirrings he feels when he walks away from him.

It's a stupid secret. It's not one Yuri keeps happily. More than a thousand times he means to spill it, but it chokes him. Shoves other words out of his mouth. It buries itself further and further into his being until he's so sure it's a part of him, just like the piece of his heart and ideals he leaves with Flynn is.

Yuri is a criminal. He could be pardoned a thousand times but the fact remains. He breaks laws he believes should not exist and he has slain men who might have been redeemed one day, although he doubts it. Yuri is bloodstained, dirty and black. What of him that isn't, that piece of him that he entrusts to Flynn, is his only redeeming factor.

But the fact remains. So when everything is said and done, he only has silence. He won't spill the secret, because it fills that avoid when he steps away from Zaphias and leaves behind that little bit of good. Because if there is a time Yuri loses all that makes him decent, he needs Flynn to slay him with it.

Relief is short and filled with some passing regret that eventually rolls off his shoulders like the rain. It lingers a bit sure, but when it dries he is perfectly fine. It's when he goes back he finds it both better and worse, because he never stays away from Flynn. It doesn't help the window remains open because Flynn waits for him.

Flynn has no idea.

Yuri likes it best that way.

He dirtied his hands for a few reasons. To protect those who cannot protect themselves, to permanently be rid of those who cannot think beyond their own selfish desires. But also, for this person of goodness he entrusts so much to.

Flynn is hardly perfect. Yuri knows him best after all; knows his flaws and glaring mistakes. But they're flaws that can be adapted to, forgiven and fixed. Yuri adapts to Flynn's flaws, forgives them and nurtures them to grow beyond what they are to add value to the overall person Flynn is. If there is one thing Yuri can be glad of from his friendship with Flynn, is that he could take all of the falls for him and boost him higher.

But even with all the flaws and the shit Yuri had to fix of him, he still sees his likeness to the grimy and dirty stained glass windows of the Lower Quarter churches. Wash away the grim and dirt and staring in brilliant colors is the portrait of an angel, blue eyes and blond hair, radiating such goodness regardless of the mistreatment.

It was stupidly sappy and cliche. But Flynn was that angel, that window. Easily erased mistakes and still beautiful underneath.

Shadows like Yuri, while required in the world, could not go near such windows. But he could promote it, so Yuri does what he can to do that. Foolishly, Yuri darkened his shadow, and now he knows he'll never be more than the window's shadow.

He wants to be so much more than that.

But better the shadow than the dirt.


	2. II - caeruleus

Change is inevitable. Whether it happens now or later almost doesn't matter, because Flynn knows eventually everything changes. For better, for ill… nothing remains the same.

Flynn was not the one to shy from change. He openly sought it. It was no secret he had become a knight to change things. To change the city, the empire, the world if need be. He wished to change the definition of what it meant to be a knight, to break its concrete frame for he knew of one who was among the best but did not call himself a knight.

There were much Flynn wants to change, have changed now. But he does not want to change everything.

Some things he's secretly desperate to keep the same, because the change makes him afraid.

Flynn was not weak. He was a strong individual, and if change came then he would accept it. Oft times one cannot challenge the change. Some changes he would challenge, defeat… but some cannot be. If his truest heart was revealed and the change occurs, he could not force it back to what it once was.

That is why Flynn fears this particular change.

He feels it, even if they seem to both deny it. He turns a blind eye and just laughs or scolds as usual. He carries on as usual, even if he can feel the tension underneath the current of air.

The usual goes on. Flynn wonders for how long.

The routine is set. The window remains unlocked, and Yuri will climb through it. He then admonishes Flynn for his worth ethic, Flynn rolls his eyes and tells Yuri he should work harder, and then Yuri gives him a look and before he knows it eventually Flynn is outside and enjoying the time and day with Yuri.

Somehow they get back to his work station and Yuri leaves through the window. He never leaves through the door, and he never lets Flynn return to his office alone. Little habits that to the outside meant nothing but so much to him.

Little habits that said nothing to the outside, but something to him. Yet Yuri himself continues on in silence.

Flynn tries to be subtle, although such things are difficult for him. He does not want to be wrong, or offend his long time friend. He tries to gently jostle the truth from Yuri, to step closer, to read him. But Yuri steps back, closes himself off, and keeps his lips sealed. The only indications he cannot hide, that Flynn can still read, are his eyes.

And Flynn wonders, will Yuri somehow silence those, too?

Will Yuri continue to close himself off, little by little? Flynn tries to talk to him over it, but Yuri avoids the topic somehow. He tries to start a fight, or another topic altogether; he'll drag Flynn out of the room by his cape or jump out the window just to scare him out of it. Flynn attempts to stay on track, to plant his feet in and just _talk about it._

When everything is said and done, he only has silence.

Flynn fears whatever it is that Yuri is hiding will change them. That Yuri will change into something he cannot reach, cannot speak to, cannot touch. That Yuri is changing into a different Yuri who's completely the same save for the one looking at Flynn.

_Why are you changing with me? What have I done… haven't done?_

_Where are you going that you won't let me follow?_

Maybe it was pathetic, but Flynn wants to keep up with Yuri. In so many ways they were uneven, but in so many ways they were still side by side even if physically that was hard to do. Yet he felt like he was somewhere high up, and Yuri was letting himself sink down to points Flynn can't jump to. If he jumps, he damns them both.

But if he stays, he damns Yuri.

He doesn't know why Yuri won't take his hand, let him hang on to him. Eventually Flynn knows he'll break. He often did first. He'll throw the proper polite way of doing things aside and corner Yuri, because that was rapidly the only solution left.

_What aren't you telling me?_

Silence was not an answer Flynn plans to accept. Not anymore.


	3. III - ravus

"Talk to me."

"I am talking to you."

The fork drops and Yuri half turns, seeing Flynn stare at the utensil as it clatters once more and settles on top of the empty plate. The edge of the plate was now chipped.

Yuri knows he chipped off the last bit of Flynn's patience. His heart races, even though he isn't afraid.

"Why?" Flynn asks, not looking at him yet.

Yuri hates it when Flynn won't look at him. When he looks away like this, asks in that low, defeated voice of his. It infuriates him. He thinks it's partially a guilt-trip trick. He also knows that if he defeated Flynn now, then the charade was up. He was counting on Flynn to be that unshakable wall.

But in hindsight, Yuri realizes the foundation of the wall has to be unshakable. And all he had done was shake that floor.

"Why, what?" Yuri asks, going back to the stove and feeding it a small log. It was inconvenient, but that was life without blastia. He adapted.

If only he could adapt to this as easily as he did the loss of blastia.

"Why are you like this?" Flynn asks, looking to him now. "Why can't you tell me what's going on? Why…"

"Why are you sticking your nose where it doesn't need to be, Flynn?" Yuri interrupts, giving the contents of the pot a stir. "I can have a life without you constantly in it."

That was probably harsh, and by the silence following it Yuri knows he might have been misunderstood. He doesn't want to, but he ends up slowly turning to look at Flynn. Flynn sits at the table, head bowed so Yuri can't read his face, his eyes. But he can see the frown his lips were set in, and he figures Flynn is trying to decide which meaning of his words to take.

Yuri only gives him silence. Let him figure it out.

The silence goes on for a while, even as Yuri brings the finished curry to the table and doles out rice for them both. He portions out a scoop of curry for Flynn, sets him a glass of water, and gets his own plate set. Still it was silent, and Flynn was immovable.

Yuri gets halfway done with his plate before he finally breaks the tense silence, "If you're not hungry, you can just say so." Because Yuri would be damned if he wasted food on someone who doesn't want it.

"I'm thinking." Flynn mutters, but he looks at the food, slowly getting his spoon.

"Eat and think." Yuri suggests. No, he practically commands him. If Flynn isn't so still, it isn't so obvious he hurt him.

Yuri wonders if he just splashed dirt over that lovely window. He wonders how he can clean it, without it being obvious.

Flynn fears the worst, and his heart clenches, because Yuri remains quiet. He wishes he could explain things that won't put him on the defensive.

It's a draw. Tense silence covers them both as they eat, and both feel like they should have done better at their respective flaw to prevent this from happening.

"Am I smothering you?" Flynn finally asks when Yuri finishes his last bite. He timed it; Yuri can't hide behind food to avoid answering.

Yuri curses him for that. "Not _smothering_ but you don't need to know every damn thing going on. You're my friend, not my keeper."

"What have I done to make you think I was trying to be?"

Nothing really. Yuri scowls. "You keep asking me, 'what's wrong?' 'What's going on, Yuri?' 'Tell me everything, Yuri.' Maybe I don't want to tell you."

Flynn slowly lowers his eating utensil and wipes his mouth with a napkin, finished with his own food. He doesn't thank him for the meal yet, that would mean he was done. "You used to tell me everything, eventually."

"Don't you play that goddamn card, Flynn. We're not kids. Don't treat me like I am."

"Even as adults, Yuri. Something is going on that you're hiding from me. From everyone." Flynn looks to him and Yuri's eyes focus on that centimeter of skin to the left, just so eye contact wasn't absolute. Flynn had an arresting gaze and Yuri was _not_ going to get caught in it.

"I wouldn't worry if you told someone." Flynn continues. "But you have this thing, Yuri. You take on problems and try to shoulder them alone. I thought your adventure taught you better than that?"

"Some problems you _have_ to solve alone."

"I'm not asking to make you let me try to solve it," Flynn interjects. "I just… don't want you to feel like you're alone, okay?"

Yuri laughs. He can't help it. That was the stupidest thing he ever heard. "I know I'm not!" Yuri manages between snickers and chuckles. "I know I got people if I need them. I got Repede, Karol, Estelle, Judy, even Rita and the old man."

Flynn waits, but the list ended there. He doesn't say a word, but he can feel his chest ache. It wasn't physical; it was so much deeper than that. "But you let yourself suffer in silence." he whispers.

"You won't let me." Yuri admits. "Even if I don't need you, you're there anyway."

What did that mean? "Be straightforward, Yuri."

"I am being straightforward."

"You're trying to distract me, Yuri."

Yuri laughs again, because this time Flynn was right. And sadly, he was caught. The laughter goes on, slowly tapering off the snickers and then to silence all over again.

_Stop dimming. You're such a bright light, the perfect stained glass portrait of an angel. You're whole and reflective and you bring out the light that sorely needs to shine. Don't dim for me. Let me be the shadow. If I'm anything else…_

Flynn suddenly moves and Yuri tenses, but he was too slow to prevent Flynn was grasping his hand. A part of Yuri wants to stab him with a fork. The rest of his is horrified by that aspect. He had bruised Flynn before. Bruised and possibly broken a couple of his bones.

But Yuri never made Flynn bleed. Not out of such petty emotions like annoyance.

"Let go." Yuri mutters, trying to pull away.

To his surprise, Flynn lets him go. In his mind Yuri feels like the shrinking shadow, the window too bright to approach. He wishes he could shrink away. He wishes after tonight he leaves Zaphias and does not return until he gave up on these stupid feelings.

But he knew better than that. Flynn knows. He knows Flynn knows.

"Say something." Flynn murmurs, his hand still out stretched for him. "Yuri, you're the most important person to me. You always have been. I know I'm not your keeper and we don't have to know everything about each other… but I know you better than anyone. If it's about me and you won't say it…"

"Well now I have to, don't I." Yuri says dryly, not bothering to ask. "Because you know. You damn well know but, you want me to say it. You wanted to spare me whatever stupid idea you have about what I'm thinking or feeling so you played oblivious until now, when it's getting to both of us."

"I know something is going on. But I'm asking you what." Finally Flynn retracts his hand. "And… if it was something I did. If I can fix it."

_Because you're the most important person to me._

"You can't. I have to."

_He isn't perfect. I wish he was. If he was perfect than my validation would stand._

"But can't I do anything?"

"No."

_If he was a real angel it'd be great. But no. He fell from grace long ago. You fell with me when you stood by and understood my crimes. You didn't punish me like you were supposed to._

"But if it's about me—"

"I said I'll fix it, okay? Don't worry so damn much, Flynn."

_I knew it was wrong, even if I was right. I appreciate you understanding that, but you have to stick to your laws too. But you didn't. You fell with me. That's why the window gets dirty and I can creep closer._

Flynn takes his hand again and holds tighter when Yuri tries to pull away. With some struggle Flynn gets his fingers between Yuri's and holds on, his eyes shifting so they could lock on Yuri's.

He was caught.

_Or maybe this is my punishment. And so it's also yours._

"Talk to me." Flynn pleads, looking lost. He was lost. He was at a loss because everything points to him being the source but he has no direction.

He can't just pick one and hope for the best. He doesn't want to risk what's here, what's left, what's still the same.

Yuri is talking to him, but in a way Flynn can't understand. He tries to get through this way, but Yuri tries to pull away. Flynn doesn't let go. Because if he lets go he knows he completely lost. He rarely lost to Yuri, and it was in this he knows he absolutely can't.

Something in the air cracks. Flynn can see it in the subtle shift of Yuri's face, the way he goes still and lax. It sounds like a shattering glass in Flynn's ears even though reality dictates its only silence between them.

_Don't be silent. You were always so loud, so open. Why are you so quiet to me now?_

Yuri's hand is relaxed in Flynn's, but not in a reassuring manner. It was limp, with no will, as if it had died because Flynn touched him.

_You didn't say everything to me, but your actions, paired with the little you said, told me everything. You knew it did. That's why you were comfortable with me._

He finally willingly makes eye contact with Flynn, but his eyes hold nothing. He was hiding it, even now, and Flynn wants to yell, to hit him, to do something to bring that life back to him.

_So why not anymore?_

"I shouldn't." Yuri admits quietly. "You don't deserve this, I know. But I know I shouldn't."

"Shouldn't what, Yuri?"

_If we're going to change I want it to be for the better…_

"Not now, Flynn." Yuri tries to pull his hand away, but Flynn remains steadfast. "Flynn, not now!"

"If not now then when, Yuri?" he asks. "When another world crisis comes? When something else challenges the way you do things?"

Yuri is silent, staring at him, but Flynn doesn't let go. At this point, he can't. If he does, if Yuri slips away, it really might take all of that to bring him back like before.

Slowly Yuri grips Flynn's hand back, and to Flynn's amazement, he turns their joined hands so he can press a hesitant kiss to the back of Flynn's.

_I'm talking to you now._

_Thank you._


End file.
